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Neosho Daily News - Neosho, MO
  • LORI MARBLE: The mystery of the purse, revealed

  • Last weekend I got together with several girlfriends for a long-planned lunch.
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  • Last weekend I got together with several girlfriends for a long-planned lunch.
    We were loud. The food was delicious. The conversation was fast-paced and very funny. When it came time to pay the bill we were all thrilled to find a pen tucked into each payment slip folder. (Did I mention the service was perfect?)
    This led us all to laugh about the small possibility of finding a pen in the cavernous purses most of us were sporting; which then led to a very funny conversation regarding what we did carry.
    Here’s an abbreviated rundown:
    • Underwater iPod holder/earbuds developed by Michael Phelps. The carrier treads water in the mornings at the Y and often becomes bored so she listens to music to help the time pass more quickly.
    • A Pez dispenser. One friend is in the final stages of potty training her young son and occasionally finds she needs to bribe her young son to use the restroom. Candy works wonders and he’s promised a piece if he does “his business.”
    • Little boy Batman underwear for use when the inevitable accident happens (same mom as above).
    • A magazine
    • A Kohl’s department store flier (the big Christmas version, multiple pages).
    • A whole notebook full of coupons. I’m estimating it weighed about three pounds.
    • An e-reader.
    • Between the nine of us there were enough variations of headache relievers and painkillers to stock a small drugstore.
    • Also we found and compared an abundance of lipsticks, lip-glosses and lip tints. We could have easily beautified a runway full of middle-aged models.
    As everyone was digging through their bags one or two of them noticed me taking notes.
    The table grew quiet.
    “What are you doing Marble?”
    “I’m taking notes…this is going to make an awesome column!”
     They all began screaming with laughter and I promised to remove names to protect the innocent.
    The zaniest of the bunch then looked at me and just this side of menacing stated “Want to see what I carry?”
    (I almost didn’t but couldn’t resist.) Wide-eyed and nodding, I confirmed that I did.
    Grabbing a purse big enough to have carted all of our combined bags’ contents, she slowly reached in. Even more methodically she draws out a plastic zip top bag that looks as if it had been run over a thousand times by motorcycles in a gravel parking lot. It was a little dusty and landscaped with tiny pin-pricked holes.
    Page 2 of 2 - She reached in and pulls something out so I can’t see. Smacking it on the table in front of me she withdrew her hand dramatically to reveal an honest to goodness glass eye!
    “Why do you carry that!” we all screamed/laughed in unison.
    “I just like showing it to people!”
    You should now consider the mystery of the female purse — revealed.
    Lori Marble writes a weekly column for the Daily News.
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