So as most of you guys know, I am a co-author of a new book that is out called I Just Want To Pee Alone. And as most of my Facebook followers know, I just had my dorky television debut Friday on Fox News Houston. And as most of my Facebook AND blog readers know, I am not normally a fan of doing things like this. I have a history of turning down everything media-related that ever comes my way. Not that people are banging down my door with one of those big fireman door buster downer things or anything, but I have been asked to do a few things here and there and I always pass. A couple of months ago when that casting agency in L.A. asked to interview me I said yes and actually followed through. That was me forcing myself to do things I don't want to do because I realized that seriously, what's the worst that can happen? You might look like a ding dong for eternity? Your video will get satellite bounced into space and the aliens will watch it and either want to zoom down and kidnap you to be their Queen or zoom down and kidnap you to dissect your brain to try and find out what the hell is wrong with you? Yes and Yes. But really, what's so bad about that? Although I'd rather not have my brain dissected, it IS for Science. Even if it's for Alien Science. Science is Science, you guys. Alien or not. And is that really so terrible? Well, yeah. I guess it is. But oh well. What's done is done.
So without further ado, I give you "The Night That 3 Muthabloggers Made Themselves Look Like Dorks." (Since I am helpless and can't get the actual video to post ON this page, here is the link)
CLICK HERE to watch the video.
LEFT: Me pretending to type and actually typing since I suck at pretending to type.
RIGHT: Awkward close-up that no cameraman should ever do to a woman who is 41-years-old. Plus, now everyone can see how big my nose is and I am dying a little bit inside. (I don't actually have a giant circle and arrow on my face. That is from a still shot of the video. I just wanna clarify that.)
Here is what I was actually typing while pretending to type but really typing:
I am supposed to be pretending like I am writing a blog right now so they can film me for the news. I am typing. I am typing. I am typing. I am typing. Yay! I think I am doing a great job! I am very proud of myself for pretending to type for so long. This is very difficult. I am running out of things to type. Let's talk about what kinds of beer I like. I like Modelo. I like Pacifico. I like Ruby Red Bird. I like Shiner Blonde. I like Tecate. I like Dos Equis. I like most Mexican beers. Especially with lime in them. I like my rims salted. Especially with that spicy salt that I buy at Specs. I also like Margaritas. I like the skinny ones. I like the spicy jalapeno ones too. Those are good. There is a place here in Houston that makes them with cilantro. It drinks like a meal. Ok I think they are done now. This was vey hard!
Here is what showed up on my computer screen on the news:
So next, Reporter John wanted to interview me in my green chair because Cameraman Rodney likes the green chair. He likes it a lot. But he also says that he doesn't know why he likes it. I sit here in fear that The Cat is going to pounce onto the back of my head because the back of the green chair is her special place, and sometimes she can be a real bitch about claiming ownership of her special place. Kinda like me and my potty. So I'm sitting here concentrating on staying still, focusing my ADHD brain on the questions and actually answering them correctly, and not ending up wearing a Surprise Cat Hat.
My noggin stayed free of flying feline, but instead she walked around in front of me during this interview giving me the look of death and meowing at me non-stop. The girl was pretty wound up from the time Cameraman Rodney entered the premises cuz he called her fat and it hurt her feelings. Due to all the concentration I was using, I look stiff and serious as hell here. And I could totally hear Kelley in the kitchen telling Rachael that she drank too much. That's a lot of distractions, you guys. Distractions that I managed to ignore. So basically, this little segment used up the entire 2013 allotment of calm, concentratey, seriousness that I have for the entire 12-month period. Thank balls. Cuz I am NOT a fan of it, and Rachael was slightly disturbed by it. My cousin Becky also said that this was the most serious she had ever seen me in the history of my entire existence. It's really quite difficult to watch.
Next, Reporter John (or actually, Bossy Cameraman Rodney) told us to all sit around the kitchen table to have a drink (or two) and answer some group questions.
LEFT: This is when Reporter John asks us who we think is the funniest out of the 3 of us. Like we are gonna answer that. Like we are idiots who don't fear for our lives or are unaware that if we answered "me" we would look like egotistical doinks on TV. I mean, we all wanted to say we were the funniest. We were all thinking it. And I guess that Kelley missed the memo on the whole "think it but don't say it" thing, because she said "Patti has the most followers but I just think I haven't been discovered yet." I think you can see the look of pure outrage on my face as I point at her with my shock finger.
RIGHT: This is where Kelley starts making boxes. Like she's a mime or something. A really bad mime because she talks while she mimes and everyone knows that talking while you mime is the first sign of a bad mime. This is also where we all make fun of her for making boxes and Rachael accuses her of being drunk.
LEFT: This is when Rachael started making facial expressions that she hates. Facial expressions that she blames on having had alcohol in her system. But I know Rachael. I know Rachael sans alcohol. Trust me: Rachael always makes these facial expressions. She just doesn't know it because it's not usually on TV.
RIGHT: This is when Kelley keeps making boxes. She won't stop. And I make facial expressions that I hate. But unlike Rachael, I am self-aware and I realize that I make them all the time. Except when I am concentrating on being interviewed in a green chair while The Cat simultaneously contemplates face-raping me.
This is when Cameraman Rodney sets up a little still life of olive oil and wine and our book. Why? Who knows why Cameraman Rodney does what he does. Maybe he wants the viewers to think that mom bloggers like to get drunk and read while slathered in olive oil. Or maybe Cameraman Rodney is an aspiring painter and he just wanted a screenshot of this so he could paint a watercolor of it later. I don't know. I am not inside of Cameraman Rodney's bald head.
This is beautiful. I mean, seriously. Don't look at it too long or you will feel really shitty about yourself. THAT is how awesome I look here. I think that this is what happened after I asked Reporter John who edits this segment. I was just thinking that they could take this footage of 3 lovely mom bloggers and turn it into anything they want. Maybe it would end up being a piece about the "Whore Moms Of Houston" and they could take a shot of me with my legs spread (I am acting that out here) and say I was propositioning the cameraman or something. You never know how these things are gonna turn out. Never trust the media, you guys. You know that the media is responsible for making the Kardashian family look like idiots when in reality they are all shy, demure, and geniusy Neuroscientists.
This is at the end of the segment. This is after Reporter John asked us if we ever get recognized when we are out and about. I was pretending to be Kelley pushing a grocery cart through the market while loudly singing "I'm Kelley! From Kelley's Break Room!" so that everyone would know who she was. I sing pretty, you guys.
This is a still shot from the segment above that Reporter John sent to me during editing and asked me what I would give him if he didn't use it. I said "Use it! That's the real me. It makes up for the Fear of Face-Rape/Serious interview at the beginning. Use it." I bet he wasn't expecting me to say that. I like to keep people on their toes. Well, that plus the fact that I am way more embarrassed by the serious part of the broadcast than by the crazy parts at the end. In the beginning I was all Cindy Brady on the gameshow episode of Brady Bunch. Minus the awesome crown of braids. And with the addition of a possible face-rape by a cat. Although she kinda does look like she's about to be face-raped or murdered or something. Who knows what was going on behind the scenes of that show. I mean, Mr. B was gay and Mrs. B. was making out with Greg. So maybe there was a face-raping cat in their midst.
After the filming was over, Reporter John and Cameraman Rodney stuck around for a LONG time to chit chat and tell us stories about how awesome they are. Here is a photo of us with Reporter John. Notice the Zombie Baby and Flat Bieber photo bombs:
This is when we were attacking Cameraman Rodney and he was embarrassed because Rachael had just said "My breasticle is resting on your arm."
Shortly after this, Kelley realized that she was missing a boob. Not a real boob. That would be weird. One of her fake "chicken cutlets" that was shoved in her bra so that her boobies would look perky on TV. That's not weird at all. This marks the first time that anyone has crawled around my house looking for a lost boob under my furniture. I think she was rockin' one boob throughout the entire interview. Or maybe it fell out while she was miming those boxes. You might wanna go back and watch it again to see if you can tell.
For the sake of The Boy, I would also like to point out that he did get on TV. He was begging me to let him be on the news but I said no. I thought this was enough. He said this wasn't enough. He also said that I was only on the news because I invented him and my invention of him was what made me funny. Then he acted out a whole scene for me and The Hub about how he could get on TV for doing nothing just like I did. The Boy is a gem.
So that's is. That's the breakdown of our TV debut, and our shot at prolonging this exposure as long as we can. I am waiting on a call from Matt Lauer. I know it's coming. I'm sure that it was the singing and dancing at the end that got his attention. I am ready for my Today Show Surprise Buttsecksing of Matt Lauer debut. Dude should prepare himself, too. Cuz like I said, I used up all my seriousness in the first few seconds of this thing. I have none left. It's all singing and dancing from here on out.
This morning I also played reporter and Reporter Patti asked Reporter John for a quote about his experience with us. He said "I'm just glad I didn't get sporked for asking the wrong things." And "The most fun I've had with 3 women with our clothes on."
A BIG Thank You to John Donnelly and Rodney Cameraman (I don't know his last name and he probably prefers to keep it that way) for being so great. Also, please go check out my fellow Houston contributors to the book I Just Want To Pee Alone (which you can order HERE or purchase at Blue Willow Bookshop in Houston) at Rachriot and Kelley's Breakroom.