It's frustrating when you have all these stories, some genuine groaners, stored up since childhood that are going to waste. I hope you can endure another batch. If you have heard them, humor me and smile anyway.
This elderly gentleman took pride in his vision. His friend's vision wasn't anything special, but he claimed to have exceptional hearing. As they topped the hill approaching Evening Shade, the vision man asked, "Do you see that fly across town on the church steeple?" His friend said "I don't see him but I hear him crawling around." I remember this old timer talking about the drought they experienced in Arkansas during the Depression. He said, "It was so dry, the catfish had seed ticks." Another said, "Water was so scarce we pinned postage stamps on the envelopes." To impress his friend about the size of the Lone Star State, this guy said, "You can get on a train in Texas, ride all day, all night, and all day the next day and still be in Texas." His friend said, "Yeah we have trains like that in Arkansas, too."
Congratulating this politician for pulling out a close election, this lady said, "As the returns were coming in last night, I was praying for you." "Why didn't you call?" he responded. "I could have been there in 10 minutes." They found this drunken politician lying on his back. Someone asked in disgust, "What do you have to say for yourself?" "I don't have anything to say, but I will entertain questions from the audience." Have you ever wondered about the differences in the service clubs in the community? When I was inducted into the Lions in Cassville, a veteran member explained it this way. "The Rotarians own the town, the Kiwanis run the town and the Lions enjoy it." This fellow was bragging about his dog to a friend. The friend was unimpressed, whereupon he was invited to see the dog perform. When they shot a duck, the dog jumped out of the boat, ran across the water and returned the duck to the boat. The dog's master asked," Now, what do you think?" "That dog can't swim," was the critic's response.
Suddenly, these two Cajun fishermen began catching fish like mad. Boudreau told his buddy to mark the spot, whereupon Tubedo chalked a big "X" in the bottom of the boat. Boudreau said, "You dumb Cajun.
Tomorrow, we may get a different boat." This youngster went into an affluent neighborhood looking for odd jobs. A lady told him she would like for him to paint the porch on the side of the house and gave him a gallon of paint. As the lady was paying him for the work done, the kid said, "Thank you, ma'am, but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Ferrari." This lad on a school trip with his class told his teacher he needed to go to the restroom. "It's down the hall around the corner," the teacher pointed. The youngster returned saying "I can't find it." In greater detail, she explained where the restroom was located. Again, the kid returned saying he was unable to find it. The teacher sent an older student with the lad. When they returned, the teacher asked, "Did you find it?" The older student said, "Yes, he just had his snowsuit on backwards." In reading this column, you may have surmised that I, too, was unable to find it.
Page 2 of 2 - Roy Shaver writes a weekly column for the Daily News.