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Neosho Daily News - Neosho, MO
  • ROY SHAVER: The joys of retirement?

  • Morning coffee klatches, populated mostly by senior citizens, are a treasure trove of wisdom.
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  • Morning coffee klatches, populated mostly by senior citizens, are a treasure trove of wisdom. Jerry Kunkel brought in a list of questions that should be helpful to those contemplating retirement to understanding the lifestyle awaiting them.
    Q: How many days in a week?
    A. Six Saturdays, one Sunday.
    Q: When is a retiree's bedtime?
    A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
    Q: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but it might take all day.
    Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
    A: There isn't enough time to get everything done.
    Q: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
    A: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
    Q: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
    A: Tied shoes.
    Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
    A: They're the only ones who have the time.
    One of my friends put it this way: "I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license."
    Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
    A: NUTS!
    Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
    A: They know as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
    Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
    A: Normal.
    Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?
    A: The never-ending coffee break.
    Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
    A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
    Q: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but he misses the people he used to work with?
    A: He's too polite to tell the whole truth.
    Q: What do you do all week?
    A: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday and Sunday, I rest.
    Just for the record, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Roy Shaver writes a weekly column for the Daily News.

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