Morning coffee klatches, populated mostly by senior citizens, are a treasure trove of wisdom. Jerry Kunkel brought in a list of questions that should be helpful to those contemplating retirement to understanding the lifestyle awaiting them.
Q: How many days in a week?
A. Six Saturdays, one Sunday.
Q: When is a retiree's bedtime?
A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it might take all day.
Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There isn't enough time to get everything done.
Q: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Q: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
A: Tied shoes.
Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They're the only ones who have the time.
One of my friends put it this way: "I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license."
Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A: They know as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?
A: The never-ending coffee break.
Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but he misses the people he used to work with?
A: He's too polite to tell the whole truth.
Q: What do you do all week?
A: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday and Sunday, I rest.
Just for the record, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Roy Shaver writes a weekly column for the Daily News.