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Neosho Daily News - Neosho, MO
  • ROY SHAVER: Humor from under the steeple

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  • There is no shortage of church humor. Following are some of the classics I remember from years past. You may remember them, too, but you are invited to "re-join" them.
    Benny Moore relates this story about his friend, the late Earl Francis. At coffee one morning, someone asked Earl if he was a member of the Christian church. "Oh no," he said, "I'm not a Christian, I'm a Methodist." Years ago, I complimented Nell Thompson at church on the pretty red coat she was wearing. Nell remembered one of her life-long friends who told her, "When you get to be my age, you either need a red coat or have an affair." The next time you see an elderly lady wearing a red coat, you will understand. Attending church with our daughter in Atlanta, the minister told about this "hippie type" young man with pins protruding from his ears, lips, tongue, etc. The attendant at the fish dock asked, "Son, where were you when the tackle box blew up?"
    The minister's wife typed his sermons and then stapled the pages. Reading his sermon Sunday morning, the minister read, "And Adam said to Eve…" pausing, noting that the words on the next page didn't make sense, he repeated "And Adam said to Eve…," then looked at his wife in the front row and asked "Honey, what did you do with that other leaf?" In their church bulletin April 28 the United Methodists pulled out all stops. The call to worship read "Alleluia, Christ is alive; let all peoples praise him. Let all creatures sin with joy." An announcement in the same bulletin advised that "applications were available in the Christian Lice Center."
    Wanting to impress his flock with his standing with the Lord, this evangelist arranged for a youngster to release a dove from an opening in the loft of the church at the appropriate time in the sermon. The preacher said "He prayed to Heaven and the spirit descended in the form of a dove." Looking up, he didn't see a dove flying around as he expected, so he repeated the line, but still no dove. Thinking the kid didn't hear him, in a loud voice he said, "And the spirit descended in the form of a dove!" Sticking his head through the opening, the youngster said "Preacher, the cat got up here and ate the dove. Do you want me to throw the cat down?" This young painter decided to increase his profit by thinning the paint. As he was finishing the second coat on this large house, a tremendous rain storm erupted and washed the paint from the structure. As a bolt of lightning knocked him from the scaffolding, he heard this voice from the heavens, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
    Dr. Alan Marble and Lori took their young twins to the Methodist church for daughter Jessica's confirmation. It was Palm Sunday and branches were distributed to the congregation as they entered the sanctuary. The parents were amazed at the excellent behavior of the youngsters during the service. At home, the truth came out. The kids confessed that they had never been to a church where they handed out switches. Alan has an even funnier story about a preacher relative down in Arkansas who got a doily from a table in front of the pulpit stuck in his fly as he zipped up. In his effort to disengage, he pulled everything off of the table. On another occasion during the sermon, he wiped the perspiration from his brow with his wife's hose, which she had removed and placed in his pocket due to the hot weather. How about the Presbyterian lady who fell down the steps? She said "I'm glad that's over."
    Page 2 of 2 - You will probably say the same thing about this column. Over the past three years, I have told you about everything I know and a few things I didn't know. With this article, I will discontinue the "Whop It On" column, for now. Thanks for sharing the experience with me.
    Roy Shaver writes a weekly column for the Daily News.
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