John Ford: Predictions for the upcoming year

Tomorrow night, we will wait and watch as 2009 comes to a close, and 2010 makes its debut.

With that in mind, it’s time once again for the Whirled Peas predictions for the upcoming year.
2010 will undoubtedly bring us continued change. In fact, if the economy keeps going the way it has been for the past couple of years, change may be all we have. I’ve got an emergency stash of pennies in my desk drawer and have laid in a supply of potted meat and sody crackers (oddball “Sling Blade” reference) just in case.

So without further ado, let’s look into my whirling vat of peas for the top news stories of 2010.

WAR, HUNGER, POVERTY ABOLISHED — Hey, it doesn’t hurt to dream, does it?

HECK NO TO ICE AND SNOW — Winter is hereby declared over. One snowstorm per season, and we’ve already had our quota in a white Christmas, as visioned lo, these many years ago, by Bing Crosby. So, from here on out, it’s temperatures in the 70s, a dogwood tour in January, and swimming in Hickory Creek in February. Yep, that will happen. It has about as much a chance as the abolishment of war, hunger and poverty.

KIDS COME UP WITH THE DARNEDEST THINGS, OR A LITTLE CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM — A fifth grader who is smarter than Jeff Foxworthy and myself put together — alright, who said “well, that’s not much of a challenge”? —  will come up with a plan to fix the nation’s ailing economy. The child’s plan will be hailed far and wide for its seeming simplicity as Fed Chief Ben Bernanke smacks his “high” forehead (the guy is follically challenged) and says “Why didn’t I think of that?” But my crystal ball is growing dim, so I can’t make out what said plan will be. Wait, wait, it’s coming, it’s coming. “Maybe, try again later.” What the heck kind of stupid Magic 8-Ball answer is that, vat of whirling peas?

Hmm, the vat’s feelings are hurt. Maybe I better throw in a can of black-eyed peas to get another prediction out of it.

PSYCHEDELIA RETURNS — Remember the great psychedelic bands of yesteryear, such as “The Comfortable Chair,” “Bubble Puppy” and “The Peanut Butter Conspiracy”? No? Well, neither did I until I saw the Jackie Gleason / Bob Hope movie “How to Commit Marriage” a couple of weeks ago.

As I was watching it and saw Bob, Jackie, Jane Wyman, Tina Louise (Ginger from “Gilligan’s Island”) and Leslie Neilsen of “Airplane” fame digging the sounds of “The Comfortable Chair,” I couldn’t help but think “Why don’t I start a psychedelic band?” So in 2010, I’ll do just that with my friends and co-workers here at the Daily News. I play a mean kazoo, Todd Higdon and Rick Rogers play some guitar, I’m sure there’s a keyboard or three at the Buckley household, and for percussion, we’ll use the thumps, creaks, groans and whirrs of the Daily News press. I’m sure with our quality musicianship, we will sell at least five copies. Of course, our album will only be available in vinyl and 8-track. We’ll shortly be auditioning for a cowbell player.

But what to name our band? “The Inky Pressmen” has a nice ring to it, but is rather sexist, as is “The News Brothers.” “Deadline” sounds, well, too Goth, “The Fourth Estate” sounds a little too regal for the noise, er, music we’ll be making, and “Deep Background” sounds a little too sedate. Please send suggestions in care of me at the Daily News and remember, the more far out, the more I’ll probably like it.

Perhaps “Magic 8-Ball” as a band name?

Signs say “doubtful.”

Seriously, I hope that 2010 brings about prosperity, hope and happiness for us all. May our economic challenges lessen, may we find contentment in family and friends and the things we have, may all of our fondest dreams come true.

What do you think, Magic 8-Ball vat of whirling peas?

Signs say “yes.”

John Ford is managing editor of the Neosho Daily News. If you play a mean triangle or cowbell, contact him at jford@neoshodailynews.com.