The following dispatch is from the fevered imagination of Managing Editor John Ford. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely for satire purposes. Good afternoon and happy Thanksgiving, this is your old pal, Martha Stew-Wart, back for another festive holiday show. This year, instead of showing you how to prepare fattening holiday foods and interviewing turkeys and pumpkins, I’m going to prepare a healthy Thanksgiving feast. Many people out there are opposed to eating meat, so we’re going to give Tom Turkey a holiday and have a meatless Thanksgiving. Yes, yes, the Pilgrims had meat, but the Pilgrims didn’t have to pay $3 a gallon for gasoline, either. That’s probably one of the reasons they sought refuge in the New World. Oh yes, there was probably some religious suppression going on in the old country. Religious suppression: it’s not a good thing. Today, we’ll start with the bird. Since meat is out, we’ll have to go to our old friend, the Tofurkey. Now, before you start gagging, soy protein is one of the best kinds of protein out there. And if you add enough ingredients, it will actually taste like something. We start with a nice large block of tofu and put it on this potter’s wheel. Now, starting the wheel slowly, we mold it into the lovely shape of our holiday bird. Don’t worry about shaping the giblets. We can do that later with some lovely Play-Doh. Once your bird is shaped, pop it into a 350-degree oven. About two hours for every 10 pounds of tofu ought to do it. Oh, I almost forgot. We need to shape one of those pop-up timers for the “bird.” So get out your hot glue gun, some leftover plastic pieces from a child’s model kit, and a spring from an old eight-day clock. Now, with a little ingenuity, your pop-up timer will look as good as anything those big poultry processors include in their birds. Oh, we forgot the glaze. Since this is tofu, it tastes like a big bunch of nothing plain. So get the following ingredients handy: 1 cup of onions 1 cup of garlic 1 cup of leeks 1 cup of cooking sherry 1 cup of brandy or cognac 1 cup of bourbon Dash of Worchestershiresir (whatever) sauce Baby carrots, small bag Celery, large bag Chocolate chip cookie dough 1 cup of rum 1 cup of Bay rum 1 small bottle Old Spice 1 bottle of Listerine (plain or minty) 1 bottle syrup of ipecac, large Mix all ingredients well (except for syrup of ipecac) in large mixing bowl. Add parsley for garnish, and cilantro for a Tex-Mex kick, if desired. Baste tofurkey for 40 days and 40 nights in mixture in the refrigerator (Don’t worry! Tofurkey doesn’t spoil!). Chase with bottle of syrup of ipecac, if desired. Oh, that’s a recipe for a happy Thanksgiving if I ever heard one! Next come the side dishes. If you have a large country estate like myself, have your guests show up three hours early and turn them out into the woods to scavenge for themselves. If they do that, there’s no need for appetizers. Looking for your own food works up an appetite all on its own. I did this one year at my New Mexico ranch, and it was a hoot! One guest brought back this neat cactus called peyote. With some prickly pear cactus shoots, it made a lovely dish that everyone thoroughly enjoyed. Meeting your spirit guide: It’s a good thing. And who knew sound had such bright, vibrant colors! Take a trip and never leave the farm, as Jim Stafford used to sing. We spent the evening listening to the Jimi Hendrix Experience on the phono and discussing philosophy. Then I got the munchies, and ate the wallpaper. The munchies: Sometimes, not such a good thing. Syrup of ipecac: Always a good thing. Well, that’s about it for today. You can make a lovely centerpiece out of some nice cannabis sativa and some peyote, but I wouldn’t advise eating it. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Oh, someone’s at the door. I’ll get it. Well, hello nice DEA agent. Are you here for Thanksgiving dinner? What? No! Where are you taking me? Well folks, it looks like instead of out of time, I’ll be doing time this year. Until you hear from me at the federal penitentiary, this is Martha Stew-Wart saying “happy Tofurkey day!”