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For many years, I’ve written a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving column.
This year, I’ve decided to give “ol’ Marth” (I call her that all the time — we’re such close friends) the year off.
Instead, I’ll be having the folks from Create cooperate with Rachael Ray on our Thanksgiving feast.
We’ve been watching a lot of Create television lately, since both Phyllis and me are fed up with having standard broadcast TV scream at us.
What’s up with that? Does it make the information that much more important if YOU SCREAM IT AS LOUDLY AS YOU CAN? Is “Dancing with the (rather B list) Stars” and “Skating with the Crackheads” really that important?
Anyway, this past weekend, Create was all about the turkey.
I thought it would be interesting to gather a Create chef together with Rachael Ray for a Thanksgiving feast. And it’s a bit of a hoot to think of 6-foot-2 Julia Child cooking alongside the diminutive Ray.
Such a meeting is a physical impossibility, at least in this life: Ms. Child passed away back in 2004.
The scene: America’s Test Kitchen. Chris Kimball, editor-in-chief of Cook’s Illustrated, has graciously lent us his digs for the preparation of our feast. However, he said that was the limit of his involvement, as he had other “fish to fry.”
And now, our story.
Rachael Ray: Julia, can we make this meal in 30 minutes or less?
Julia Child: Are you kidding me? The cranberry chutney takes longer than that.
RR: Well, will we be saving the liver?
JC: Naturally. It’s the best part. I’ll be making a lovely giblet gravy for our mashed potatoes.
RR: What are giblets, specifically? Is it a contraction for “Gross bits you won’t have to give up for Lent?”
JC: I don’t think so, Rachel. Can you be a dear and hand me that bird?
RR: Sure.
JC: Now, be sure to start with a fresh bird, never frozen. And take this plastic doo-hickey out of the bird. It surely didn’t come with that equipment.
RR: It didn’t come with its insides tucked away in a paper bag either, but that’s where they are.
JC: How astute. Those are the giblets: liver, gizzard, heart, neck.
RR: Ick! You’re gonna eat that?
JC: Nope. I’m gonna enjoy a bottle of wine or three. You’re gonna eat that. First, remove the giblets from the cavity and set them
aside. Now take the bird and dismember it.
For many years, I’ve written a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving column.
This year, I’ve decided to give “ol’ Marth” (I call her that all the time — we’re such close friends) the year off.
Instead, I’ll be having the folks from Create cooperate with Rachael Ray on our Thanksgiving feast.
We’ve been watching a lot of Create television lately, since both Phyllis and me are fed up with having standard broadcast TV scream at us.
What’s up with that? Does it make the information that much more important if YOU SCREAM IT AS LOUDLY AS YOU CAN? Is “Dancing with the (rather B list) Stars” and “Skating with the Crackheads” really that important?
Anyway, this past weekend, Create was all about the turkey.
I thought it would be interesting to gather a Create chef together with Rachael Ray for a Thanksgiving feast. And it’s a bit of a hoot to think of 6-foot-2 Julia Child cooking alongside the diminutive Ray.
Such a meeting is a physical impossibility, at least in this life: Ms. Child passed away back in 2004.
The scene: America’s Test Kitchen. Chris Kimball, editor-in-chief of Cook’s Illustrated, has graciously lent us his digs for the preparation of our feast. However, he said that was the limit of his involvement, as he had other “fish to fry.”
And now, our story.
Rachael Ray: Julia, can we make this meal in 30 minutes or less?
Julia Child: Are you kidding me? The cranberry chutney takes longer than that.
RR: Well, will we be saving the liver?
JC: Naturally. It’s the best part. I’ll be making a lovely giblet gravy for our mashed potatoes.
RR: What are giblets, specifically? Is it a contraction for “Gross bits you won’t have to give up for Lent?”
JC: I don’t think so, Rachel. Can you be a dear and hand me that bird?
RR: Sure.
JC: Now, be sure to start with a fresh bird, never frozen. And take this plastic doo-hickey out of the bird. It surely didn’t come with that equipment.
RR: It didn’t come with its insides tucked away in a paper bag either, but that’s where they are.
JC: How astute. Those are the giblets: liver, gizzard, heart, neck.
RR: Ick! You’re gonna eat that?
JC: Nope. I’m gonna enjoy a bottle of wine or three. You’re gonna eat that. First, remove the giblets from the cavity and set them
aside. Now take the bird and dismember it.
RR: Say what?
JC: Take this cleaver and take off the drumsticks. Leave the wings, but cut off those little end pieces. I call them the nubbins.
WHOCK!
RR: Oooooooooh, I think I sliced off my finger instead! Go to commercial, go to commercial!
JC: This is PBS, dearie, there are no commercials. We’ll just set these lady fingers aside for later and…
RR: I’m bleeding! I’M BLEEDING!
JC: Shhhhhhhh. You would have made a terrible spy. I once sliced off my right ear with a P-38 can opener in a foxhole while preparing a Spamurkey for 300 of our boys during WW Deuce and didn’t mutter a word.
RR: (muffled sobbing).
JC: That’s better. Suck it up, buttercup.
RR: Wait a minute, you have both ears.
JC: It’s amazing what you can do with a little Cosmoline and some dental floss. Now, stick these little paper capon thing-a-ma-bobs on the stubs of your missing fingers and let’s get back to the bird.
Me: True story time: Julia worked for the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), a forerunner of today’s Central Intelligence Agency, during World War II. She was a research assistant and played a key role in the communication of top-secret documents between U.S. government officials and their intelligence officers….
JC: John! Loose lips sink ships!
Me: Sorry.
JC: Back to the show. Now, smear it up real good with some olive oil …
RR: Rachael Ray Olive Oil!
JC: A shameless plug. Great. Now, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting will be down on our heads. Pre-heat your oven to 300 degrees and bake for five hours.
RR: Time for the chutney?
JC: Nope, we’re nearing the 700-word limit John has imposed, so we’re running out of time for now. Tune in around Christmas as we again concoct our holiday dinner. So for Julia Child and an injured Rachel Ray, we bid you au revoir, bon appetit and Happy Thanksgiving.
EDITOR’S NOTE: No fingertips of actual celebrity chefs, living or dead, were harmed in the writing of this column.
John Ford is managing editor of the Daily News. Please, oh, mighty Rachael Ray: Don’t sue him. He is merely a puny small-town newspaper editor with a warped sense of humor.
